By Han Soju, Contributing Writer
Have you ever played a round of golf with a truly avid golfer? I’m referring to the ones who dream of drivers and watch the Golf Channel for fun. When you’re with those people, don’t you get the feeling that there is something a bit…odd going on? It’s not just the intensity with which such a person looks at the little white ball. It’s not just the unspoken understanding of where you can stand or how loudly you can breathe while on the course. There’s something else in play…
I first noticed the oddness in Korea Aunt and Uncle (extremely committed golfers). They seemed perfectly normal until I started playing rounds with them. To be fair, they played and I mostly watched. Which is a good thing, because as I watched, I caught them saying and doing the strangest things. I was troubled enough that I started observing other golfers, who behaved in exactly the same manner. Further in-depth research* has finally led me to a tentative but highly disturbing conclusion, which I now share with you.
Are you ready for the red pill?
We have been invaded by golfing aliens. From outer space.
My friend, before you stick your head back into the sand trap, please examine these three facts. I trust in your objectivity and ability to embrace a new paradigm as the evidence leads:
1. Firstly, these “golfers” are interchangeable. Watch, and you will see that there is something strangely similar about golfers. One is very much like another. Haven’t you 
noticed that they all dress alike? Pressed shorts or golf-y slacks, a cap, and a single glove on the left hand.** Don’t forget the collared shirt (the collar is essential, though I’m not yet sure why). Observe them–it doesn’t matter what gender they are, what country they are from, or how many eyes they have–all of them dress like this. You might say that it’s the same for other sports, but I beg to differ. Professional football players all wear gear for protective purposes (guard the brain and family jewels) and teamswear the same jersey for identification purposes (don’t tackle your own guy). But your average post-Thanksgiving-Dinner QB will wear any old thing to toss the pigskin in the back yard. In contrast, the vast majority of golfers don’t need to wear anything special to duff around, but they all do it anyway. And what do we know about aliens? …
…All aliens of particular race dress exactly alike.
Not only that, golfers also have the same mannerisms, another indication of alien race-ness. Watch one of them step onto the tee box—hip cocked, staring into the distance, pointing at some random tree, tearing off grass and throwing it in the air… you know what I mean. Again, on the green they all do the SAME THING. Walk around, crouch, glare at the hole, stand up, do the pendulum-thing, crouch again, and so on.
When you look past gender, race, and superficial physical traits, you can’t help but see their frightening same-ness — classic hallmarks of any self-respecting alien race.
2. Secondly, they speak an utterly alien language. This is not the different-ness of a human foreign language or the occasional sports-related phrase. When a sportscaster throws out an oddity such as, “He’s inside the pocket today,” I get it—I can infer meaning from context. If a granny yells at me in a foreign language, I’ll probably figure it out. But golfers? When you listen to them, I mean really listen, they sound like something from Alien Planet #5. Consider these coded phrases:
- You pop from the blues on this hole (Are we setting off firecrackers?)
- Close the club head (Is the driver hinged? )
- Get out of his line of sight (Pardon me, am I in the way of your putter/death-ray phaser?)
- The wind is going right, but the trap is close on the left (Does this game include booby traps? Really? Really?!)
- I lost the ball! Did you see it? The sun–my God the SUN! I’m tracking it, I’ve got it! Drive up! Drive up!! (Whatever)
Weird. Indecipherable. Alien.
3. Finally, the statistics indicate that they are taking over the world. Their numbers are growing, as is their territory. They hide it behind the façade of “love of the game,” but numbers don’t lie. Let’s objectively examine the statistics:
- There are over 34,000 golf courses in the world today. Alarmingly, forty-five percent of them are in the U.S.[1]
- From the 1980s to 2000, the number of golfers in the U.S. grew by 10 million – from 20 million to 30 million.[2] Wow, talk about alien conversion in large numbers.
- In 2015, 2.2 million new players took up the game.[3] The aliens aren’t slacking off.
- By 2015, golfers played 465 million rounds annually.[4] All part of the alien conversion process.
- Junior PGA Golf experienced a 233% increase in membership from 2013-2016.[5] Now they’re going after our young.
- For God’s sake, there is a channel completely dedicated to the supposed game!
These numbers do not include non-traditional forms of golf currently invading our suburbs. Take Top Golf, a supposedly innocuous introduction to the game. You may think the flashing lights and dance-party music are just for fun, but look closely at the evidence. Multi-colored target nets, or UFO landing pads?
Hmm…
Let’s pause for a moment and focus on the number of rounds played annually — a whopping 465 million. My friend, there is something about a human repeatedly playing rounds of golf that triggers the conversion process to alien status. We’ll deconstruct that process in a later session, but for now remember this survival tip: the more you play, the more quickly you turn into one of them.
If the statistics don’t impress, look at the simple math. In the light of cold hard calculations, you’ll see that golf MUST be of alien origins (if math bores you, skip this section):
Normal human sports like football have normal expectations. A football field is 120 yards long by 53.33 yards wide, or 360 ft. x 160 ft.[6] Given that the area of a rectangle is calculated by A=LxW, a standard football field encompasses 57,600 square feet. Your end zone (where you want the football to go) is a little over 4800 sq. ft. (10 yards by 53.33 yards, or 30 ft. x 160 ft.).[7] So, the area into which your ball has to end up is 8.3% of the entire playing area.
A pro basketball court is 94 ft. x 50 ft. and your hoop is 18 in. in diameter.[8] The overall square footage of the court is 4,700 sq. ft. Given that the area of a circle is calculated by A=πr2, the area into which you must throw the ball (the hoop) is ~1.77 sq. ft. That’s .04% of the entire playing area. Sort of.
Eight percent and .04% are small percentages. That is, until you examine the comparable dimensions in golf.
A typical non-PGA par-four hole runs approximately 251-470 yards long[9] by 35-45 yards wide[10] (effective playing area). So, we’re talking about an average of 360 yards long x 40 yards wide (1,080 ft. x 120 ft.), and an approximated playing area of 129,600 sq. ft (dimensions do not include the rough and other playable but non-fairway areas). And the hole into which you must place your ball? Four and a quarter inches in diameter,[11] which is an area of ~.1 sq. ft. (A=πr2). Point one square feet is a infinitesimal %.00008 of the entire effective playing area of that par-four hole. No human being would create a game like that.
To sum up the irrefutable approximate quasi-math:
- Area of basketball court that you need to aim for: .04% of the court (still normal)
- Area of the par four hole you need to aim for: A mind-boggling .00008% of the effective playing area, not including the rough etc. (not normal)
Sadly, quod erat demonstrandum, my friend.
As you recover from the shock of this new reality, please take some time to process the unholy proliferation of this phenomenon. But please also know that they are not taking a break or a holiday.
Already the next phase of conversion has begun. Having turned the baby boomers, the aliens are aiming their sights on our young (recall the 233% increase in Junior PGA golfers in 2013-2016). This spike in young golfers is frightening in itself, but it also portends an irreversible shift in our planetary landscape over the next 50 years. As these young humans-turned-aliens gather power and resources, they will re-design Earth’s topography into one giant golf course. The Atlantic Ocean will become a massive water hazard. And the Sahara Desert? The largest sand trap ever imagined.
Yet there is hope. The number of golf courses is rumored to be in a slight decline, purportedly as a result of “market correction.” Which in reality means that the Resistance to Alien Golf Subjugation (RAGS) group is making a quiet but increasingly effective stand against the invasion.
More on RAGS later, provided that I survive Aunt and Uncle’s invasion and campaign for alien conversion (they’re back, supposedly for Thanksgiving, but we know better). Sadly, the first signs of transformation already have manifested. I am battling an irresistible compulsion to buy more collared golf shirts. I feel a strange thrill when I hear that particular “thwack” sound. And I’m hoping for a new driver for Christmas.
It may be too late for me, but not for you. Take heed and avoid my aunt and uncle. If they innocently smile and ask you to play a round with them, just say “no.” Nancy Reagan had it mostly right. She was just fighting the wrong war.
My friend, during this dangerous holiday season, I urge you to be strong, remain alert, and stay away from those collared shirts.
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*My extensive observations and research include:
- Pretending to play golf
- Invasion of the Body Snatchers by Jack Finney
- Ancient Aliens series
- The Greatest Game Every Played (the caddie is clearly an alien)
- The X-Files series (original)
- Star Trek series (the original and TNG)
- that alien movie with Keanu Reaves
** The single white glove on the left hand is not to be confused with Michael Jackson’s right-handed glove, which marks him as a member of that alien race located on the right side of the third galaxy beyond Rigel.
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Notes
[1] Associated Press. “US Golf Courses in Steady Decline.” ESPN, 11 March 2015, espn.com/golf/story/_/id/12461331/number-us-golf-courses-steady-decline-says-report. Accessed 19 Nov. 2017.
[2] Beditz, Joseph P., Ph.D. and Kass, James R. Golf Participation in America, 2010-2020. Jupiter: National Golf Foundation, 2010, leisurepropertiesgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/NGF-Golf-Participation-in-America-2010-2020.pdf. Accessed 19 Nov. 2017.
[3] “The State of the Golf Industry in 2016.” Darren Heitner.
[4] Heitner, Darren. “The State of the Golf Industry in 2016.” Forbes, 8 May 2016,
www.forbes.com/sites/darrenheitner/2016/05/08/the-state-of-the-golf-industry-in-2016/#28609fe933a6. Accessed 19 Nov. 2017.
[5] “The State of the Golf Industry in 2016.” Darren Heitner.
[6] Haley, Andy. “Football Field Dimensions and Goal Post Sizes: A Quick Guide.” Stack, 28 Jan. 2017, www.stack.com/a/the-dimensions-of-a-football-field. Accessed 19 Nov. 2017.
[7] “Football Field Dimensions and Goal Post Sizes: A Quick Guide.” Andy Haley.
[8] “The Game Court.” 17 Sept. 2002, www.nba.com/canada/Basketball_U_Game_Court-Canada_Generic_Article-18039.html. Accessed 19 Nov. 2017.
[9] Kelly, Brent. “What Is a Par-4 Hole in Golf?” ThoughtCo., 4 Apr. 2017, www.thoughtco.com/par-4-par-4-hole-1564230. Accessed 20 Nov. 2017.
[10] Rose, M.L. “Average Fairway Width of the PGA Tour.” Golfweek, golftips.golfweek.com/average-fairway-width-pga-tour-20729.html. Accessed 20 Nov. 2017.
[11] Preston, Robert. “What Is the Size of a Golf Ball Hole?” Golfweek,golftips.golfweek.com/size-golf-ball-hole-2514.html. Accessed 20 Nov. 2017.
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